Green Girl Officially Turns 1!

Green Girl is officially one year old!

There was no question in my mind about what to get her for her birthday - a baby doll.

Mattel Little Mommy Infant Doll

Originally I wasn't planning on getting her something so 'sexist.'  I have nothing against the different roles of the sexes. In fact I think it is very important to understand that males and females are NOT THE SAME. People who refuse to acknowledge that their child isn't actually gender neutral drive me crazy.  That is a different blogpost.  Anyway, I didn't want to decide for Green Girl that she wanted a dolly just because I wanted her to have one.

But she decided for me.  Green Girl loves baby dolls.  She sees one and she coos.  She kisses it.  She hugs it.  She cradles and pats it.  She carries it around and sings to it.  She learned none of these skills from Green Boy.  I would like to flatter myself and think that she has picked it up due to my mothering skills, but she isn't that smart.  It must be some innate mothering instinct.  It is adorable. :-)

However, Green Boy does have some influence on Green Girl's mothering skills.  After Green Girl has cooed and loved her baby for a few minutes, she plants it face down on the ground and starts driving it around the floor like it is a Monster Truck.  Complete with the "vroom VROOM VROOOOOOOOOOOM" that Green Boy uses when he is putting on Monster Truck freestyle competitions for our entertainment.

Graaaaaaaaaaaave Diggerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

I suppose this could be her attempt to make her baby doll gender neutral?

Well played, Green Girl.  Well played.

Snuggly Parts

Conversation while putting Green Boy to bed:

Green Momma:  I love you Green Boy!  Good night.  Sleep tight.  Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Green Boy:  No Momma! You have to touch me with your snuggly parts first! :-(

Green Momma (fearing an inappropriate anatomy discussion):  My snuggly parts?  Which parts of Momma are her 'snuggly parts?'  ...cringe cringe cringe...

Green Boy:  Your arms.

Hooray for all mommas and their snuggly parts!

familyeducation.com

Diet Soda Cessation Update - #2

Back again for another update on my quest to stop drinking diet soda.

Sigh.

Green Girl now loudly exhales through her mouth after taking a drink of any beverage.  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!," she says with pride and joy.  I am not sure if she learned that from me or Green Boy, but it is not good.  Poop.

However, I have made a small breakthrough in my progress.  I posted on my Facebook wall about my need to curtail diet soda related obsessions and I had several co-workers echo my sentiments.  It doesn't help that there is a fridge full of carbonated beverages free for the taking at my place of employment (not complaining - merely stating a fact).  A fellow diet soda aficionado and I lamented that as long as free soda was there, it was just too hard to quit.  So I happily consumed multiple cans of free soda a day, feeling that I was at least in good company.

A week later, this very same co-worker and I were chatting in the kitchen and diet soda came up; partially because of my facebook wall post and partially because it was 9:30am and I was already on my second can of the day (at least this one was caffeine free).  However, she pointed out that since her client had gotten all up in her business last week and publicly lectured her about the dangers of diet soda that she just hasn't been able to bring herself to drink it.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!

Apparently she says that public ridicule and shaming are what worked for her.  Go figure.

"Nope, not me," I thought.  That is just silly.

And yet...on my third can of diet soda that day I hid it as I walked past her desk.  I. hid. it.  ????  I was shocked at my behavior.  Why was I suddenly embarrassed?  I thought public ridicule had no affect on me, though obviously I was wrong.

Instead of feeling sad or mad or guilty, I felt a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I could kick this horrible habit.

And then I drank a bottle of water. :-)

Oh yeah!

Looking Back - The Fabric Store Incident

Long ago in a galaxy far far away (...or two years ago when my only child was Green Boy)...

Two year old Green Boy and I went to the local fabric store to purchase Halloween costume supplies.  My very good friend, Turquoise, was going to be a Pink Flamingo.  I offered to make her costume mimicking some pictures I had found on Etsy:

Idea courtesy of sajeeladesign (Etsy seller of gorgeous costumes!)

In case you were wondering, Turquoise is the epitome of female beauty.  She can totally pull this off.  I had a lot of "saleswoman reassuring" ahead that I was not the one attempting to wear what I was making. I would look like a cow in this costume.

It was my first trip to the fabric store in a while, and this particular store is a crafter's dream.  It is an enormous warehouse space chock-full of everything one could want if they were into creative textile-ing.  Unfortunately, little boys are not often crafters, at least not the type that are impressed by the magnitude of selection available to them at "Crafters World" (pseudonym).

I needed some lace applique and a rhinestoney-broach-like thing that were kept behind a counter.  I had a cart and Green Boy had been placed in it and was threatened with all sorts of dreadful scenarios if he was so bold as to leave it.

accurate representation of Green Boy in the cart...

Unfortunately, the employees were MIA.  I waited at the lace counter for about 15 minutes without seeing anyone.  I was able to entertain myself among the sequins, lace, rhinestones, feathers, tulle, fishnet and satin but Green Boy was growing impatient.  Finally...FINALLY...an employee was able to help me.  Foolishly thinking that Green Boy was actually impressed by my previous threats, I devoted a mere moment's worth of attention to the woman offering to help me find what I needed.

Then it happened.

Green Boy was not in the cart.

In a panic I looked frantically around the store.  It is difficult to find a toddler amongst racks and racks of fabric bolts.  Finally I saw him!  But it was too late. :-(

Green Boy had accosted someone's mobility scooter.  He was driving it.  Away from me.  Very quickly.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!!!!!

Luckily, I did not scream "Fuck!"  I did scream, "No Green Boy!  NOOOOOO!!!!  STOP STOP STOP!!!" as I sprinted after him. This did absolutely no good, except to draw everyone's attention.  I don't think he understood what propelled it forward, much less what would make it stop.

The scooter hit a steel door and ricocheted off to the side.  I arrived on the scene split seconds later, prepared to read Green Boy the riot act.  When I saw the complete terror in his eyes I was only able to scoop him up and give him a hug.  He sobbed and sobbed.  I tried to soothe and reprimand at the same time - an awkward combination.  The sales woman who was helping me had completely disappeared.  Another one heard the ruckus and came to see what the problem was.  I unintelligibly said something about being 'very sorry' and 'whose scooter was this?' and 'ohmygodwhatcanidotomakeitbetter!!!'  She gave me a look that said "you crazy fool, just control your damn kid" and disappeared.

Control your damn kid!!!!

Green Boy maintained a meek disposition for about three minutes and then was back to his original ancy behavior.  I stayed just long enough to purchase the supplies and left the store in complete and utter parenting shame.

Later, I purchased a leash for Green Boy so this would never happen again.

Fingers crossed.

Recognize.

Shoe Obsession

I am obsessed with shoes.  Tall shoes.  I love to be 6'+ tall.  This is accomplished by my collection of skyscraper heels.  Nothing lifts my spirits quite like a new pair of beautiful, excessively tall heels in a rich color or texture.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh happiness! :-)

Before children I had many pairs of gorgeous shoes.  Shoes were my thing.  Now?  Let's just say that I have kids instead of shoes.

I needed a beautiful pair of shoes today.  NEEDED them.  I was in a mood.  A MOOD, I tell you.  I'll skip to the end of this story and let you know that I did not receive a beautiful pair of shoes and I am still in a terrible mood.  But they say blogging is cheaper than therapy, so here goes...

(BTW this is probably the most boring blog post of all time.  Continue reading at your own risk - exceedingly tedious mommy rant ahead.)

Work was typical.  I am usually more equipped to deal with people who will not take responsibility for their actions, but Green Girl is teething and has woken up every two hours for the last four nights.  It is torture.  My defenses against work politics are not what they should be.  That started my "mood from hell."  It didn't help that I skipped lunch.  It didn't help that a realtor showed my house today, but didn't write an offer.  It also didn't help that Green Papa called me at 5pm to let me know that he wouldn't be home until 7pm - meaning he was going to miss helping with dinner/bed time routines.  He is not traveling (for once) and I was really relying on him to help this evening.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!  In addition, I found out when I picked up Green Boy from preschool that he needed a raincoat for his zoo field trip tomorrow.  Not a big deal, I will buy one.  I live in Oregon, it rains year round here, it is January, stores must be chock full of raincoats, right?

Wrong.

After dinner, I drug my sorry ass to three stores and nary a one had a raincoat.  The lady at Babies R Us acted like I was bat shit crazy for thinking that they would carry a raincoat in January.  "Raincoats are spring/summer items, duh!  Not fall/winter ones!!!," she mockingly announced to everyone within earshot.  Awesome customer service, Babies R Us.  Truly spectacular.  All I could do, after a comment like that, was stare at her until she awkwardly moved out of sight down a different aisle.  Did I mention I was wearing all black and a scowl that would rival Grumpy Cat?  'Bat shit crazy' may be fairly accurate.  The employees at Old Navy had the decency to act like they thought raincoats were a common request this time of year, and they even pretended to be puzzled that they had none in stock.  Target had a one size fits all paper-thin rain poncho, which is what Green Boy will be wearing tomorrow over his winter coat.  I cut the bottom off so that he won't trip on it and it looks fucking AWESOME.  Not at all like a garbage bag with a hole for his head. :-/

I decreed, before I went shopping, that Green Boy was to be in bed upon my return or there would be no zoo trip.  He was technically in bed when I got home. But now, two hours later, he is bouncing off his room walls.  I loudly fake-called his preschool teacher to tell her that I wasn't letting him go to the zoo unless he fell asleep in five minutes.  So far that tactic has been largely ineffective.  I have chosen to ignore the noises coming from his room, that way I don't have to eat crow tomorrow when I allow him to go to the zoo since I have no other daycare options.  The little turd has probably figured that out.

I am on my 64th ounce of diet soda for the day.  Quitting soda - not going so well.  Shit.

At this point, my hope is that my crankiness and despair will melt away during one of my two hour sleep cycles and I will awake refreshed.  Ha. Ha.  Maybe if I wear a sweet pair of heels tomorrow will be a brighter day?

That sounds about right. :-)

#firstworldproblems

Indigo Tante on her wedding planning...

"I am going to do all of that traditional wedding stuff that isn't fucking weird.  Fucking weird things that I plan to avoid?  The money dance.  Totally fucking weird.  Traditional, but not insane?  Garter, father/daughter dance, and bouquet toss." - Indigo Tante

Yes - my sister curses like a sailor. How I love her!

(In another lifetime, i.e. pre-Green children, she lived with Green Papa and I.  Indigo Tante had just finished college and was looking for jobs.  Green Papa was constantly traveling for work.  It was like being back in school with the world's most awesome roommate.)

The obscene phrases she can string together really get magical at times.  She now lives in a far away state so my exposure to her effervescent linguistics is limited to the occasional phone conversation. The one and only positive of this situation is that Green Boy is not privy to her special blend of the language arts, and therefore I don't have to be the mom with the creative, but inappropriate, cursing preschooler.  I am not nearly as profane as Indigo Tante, so Green Boy has a chance at to develop some civil communication skills. ;-)

Birthday Party Invite

My brother (hereafter known to this blog as Blue Uncle) invited us to his son's (Blue Boy) birthday party with the following email:

"Blue Boy turns 3 on 1/10 and we would like to invite you to his Birthday Party Saturday 1/13 at our home.  Brunch at noon or thereabouts.  Please don't bring any presents unless you plan on accepting something in exchange (which I get to pick). Sorry for the late notice, but the boss was out traveling the world while I slaved away at home." - Blue Uncle


Interpretation:

• "Please don't bring any presents unless you plan on accepting something in exchange (which I get to pick)" means that if you show up with a present you will leave with one of the Blue family's dogs.  He is serious.  We didn't bring a present.
• Blue Tante was at her uncle's funeral over the weekend prior to this party, during which time Blue Uncle dropped the rest of the Blue family off at grandma and grandpa's house.  If this is the dad equivalent of "slaving away" I want to be a dad.
  

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Shortly thereafter Blue Uncle realized that he had invited people to a birthday party on an nonexistent day.  We then received the following email:

"So it would appear that I am not too bright and Saturday 1/13 doesn't really exist....What I meant to say is Sunday the 13th....If you show up Saturday you can help me clean my house." - Blue Uncle 

Interpretation:

• If you are coming on Saturday, you will be cleaning the Blue family's house.  He was serious.  We arrived on Sunday.